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In a nutshell

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

12:29AM - last hand

you say i'm so good yet you push and pull me apart. draped over your skin, you wear me like a fur - catwalk of cruelty pushed hautily with the emphasis of your hands. you will know my space, unoccupied and crawling to the chopping block. decapitate the yearn of that... wouldn't you like to know. that is the only card i have left.

i won't let you get all of the best of me. call my bluff.

Current mood: pensive

12:18AM - Roots

We shake hands like it’s the first time we’ve said goodbye. We press restart, the button begging to be pressed again. And then we look at each other and shrug, “what did we do?”, you ask. We set a time capsule in motion, we reversed the past. Like that moment when you first wake, and roll over to see the sun. It encapsulates the space, our energies bursting the barrier as time becomes undone. Each day a new chance. A new yet familiar embrace, like déjà vu, it makes us pause.

deep within the folds of my mind you are tossing and turning, your limbs burning holes in my predetermined idea of what this was supposed to become. you've taken my whole disposition and tossed it as far up as you could, and as the pieces come raining down on your head you aren't sure if you should run for cover or get drenched.
just submit to the downpour.

i am submerging my hands deep within my surface, pulling out the roots to expose the most tender pieces of me.

Current mood: restless

Thursday, July 26, 2007

11:53PM - runaways

do you not see me laying here
among the wreckage...
do you only see yourself
you keep unwrapping the same package

light that match, please
i got the gasoline
i'll hand it to you and look the other way
as you light up what's left of my dreams

cause you don't get it
you keep pretending you do
and i keep calling your bluff
and it's all you can keep from admitting to

i hope one day someone makes you feel as lonely
as your presence has made me
what you don't realize is that all i want
is for you to let me be

just walk away
like you've done before
it looks much better fitted on you
than that look-alike fake remorse

keep your excuses
they aren't that good anyways
and i'll sleep tight at night
without any runaways

Current mood: sad

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


I wish I could take a big bucket and scoop you up
right out of that trough
i'd watch you stumble to find your ground
and give yourself a shake off.
you'd yell at me about how you were practicing your form
but to me you were squirming,
just like a soiled worm.
you fight the waves instead of submit to them
it could be a weightless communion
but instead it's wasted,
like a drunken reunion.

Current mood: Inspired

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

11:34PM - Song of the Years...

You -- Toshi Reagon

All this held in hand
None I understand
None I wish to show
None I wish to know

Caught from the inside
Caught to late to hide
Or fade away
Now to find a way with you

Watch out for what I say
Or the games I play
Hard to tell the truth
And so hard to move

Still trying to be quick
Don’t want to go down sick
Trying to hold my will
So I turn the shy to steel
And run from you

You got what you know
Your young eyes your old soul
Your mind full of mess
Your hours counting stress

Still you get it right
Turn day and your night
They both mean the same
And I don’t stay away from you

Current mood: sad

Thursday, January 5, 2006

10:23PM - final say

you put me in that box, then told me to step out of it. two bodies and four corners, you let me pick up the props.
your mess strewn among the furniture. your breath floating in my proximity.
i wish that i had some solace.
i just keep trying to find sleep's nudge.

cause i lay alone at night lonely, although i prefer it this way.
it's value surpassed your warmth somewhere along the final say.

we were like an epic written backwards in two time. a simple fallacy following: book, chapter, verse one.
but i miss you more than words can say.
and i wish that i lay where you lay.

visits with flowers in hand are something new to me. they seem to wither before i step foot in the door.
nothing is perfect enough for how i wanted to make it for you.
and now i'm jaded in the worst possible way.
apathy's got her hands all over me.

as cold as it may be, i still prefer it this way.
diminishing your warmth somewhere along the final say.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

12:16AM - Song of the Day/Eve


come home and my guitar
has nothin to say to me
i recoil from all my friends
and then i'm in misery
been so long since i've been held
really since i was his
probably just need to be held
that's probably all it is

course, then i think of my dad
who time travels mostly now
back to when he was free
and holding out hope somehow
who sits all day in a line
of wheelchairs against a wall
inventing ways to play out time
like us all
like us all

to all the people out there tonight
who are comforting themselves
if you should happen to see my light
you can stop and ring my bell
i'm just sittin here in this sty
strewn with half written songs
taking one breath at a time
nothin much going on
nothin much going on

little flashing zero
on my answering machine
rats scratching at my brain
brain shuffling its feet
yes i have my father's heart
it may or may not keep on trying
can't really tell you what it is
keeps me this side of that dark line

but i'm not there to take care of him
and i'm not here to take care of me
i'm going outside to watch the house burn down
across the street
i'm going outside to watch the house burn down
across the street

to all the people out there tonight
who are comforting themselves
if you should happen to see my light
you can stop and ring my bell
i'm just sitting here in this sty
strewn with half written songs
taking one breath at a time
nothin much going on
nothin much going on


Current mood: drained

Thursday, July 7, 2005

11:46PM - buzz words

Flipping through the pages, I am highlighting the most important points.
The words, they come in buzz, dismissing all the he and she "wrotes"...
What's in a name really? All that comes to mind is popularity.
Big neon lights flashing, and big bold font fronting the lines. The bodies they represent are no where to be seen except with the flash photography of fat checks. Like their over-fed faces.
With a signature they make all of the starved dissapear. Like magic pixie dust, money....
it gets the best of us.
It's an aphrodisiac, a priority, a cheap thrill at the tip of our fingertips.
But it makes the world go 'round, and baby who knows what would happen if we stopped spinnin'.

Current mood: restless

Thursday, June 30, 2005

12:11AM - counting

crumbled a pack with ten left to go, yet the only word that keeps coming out of your mouth is "slow". A year gone by, and so much more than what you said it would be. Seems like this time of year, everyone is circulating while i'm still calculating.
I lay at night and dream half awake. i wish everyone knew the true art in counting.
instead of counting down, counting forward, counting inside out. Try counting your internal clock pounding in your chest.
Cause nothing seems to flow like it used to. Not out of my lips or fingertips. But I try, like we all do each day, I try to find a way to carry my weight, plus the weight of some others.
Sometimes I fall, other times I cross the line. But the only thought that keeps racing in my head is "just don't trip".

Current mood: Lonely/but faking it is worse.

Monday, March 28, 2005

7:37PM - alice in chains

I just love this band, lately this song is on repeat...

We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home
Oooh ... Oooh ...
Oooh ... Oooh ...
My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead
Oooh ... Oooh ...
Oooh ... Oooh ...

Current mood: bitchy

Friday, March 25, 2005


a stroll is my favorite thing lately.
although i'm not usually wearing the best shoes,
or the worst ones either.

Current mood: thankful

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


1:55AM - tandem

So hard to keep my feet planted. Soil not quite thick enough to sustain. I close my eyes just a bit and have a tiny dream filled with your remains. And the product has yet to be seen with closed eyes. Only open with a magnifying glass when really we should be jumping high and diving low into coffee filtered tides. My first time without my cynicism riding tandem behind my eyes. I'll lay here on this raft, drifting out to sea. Staring at the sky above waiting for you to descend.

Current mood: thankful

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

4:01PM - ani


Monday, February 7, 2005


it was one of those nights where everything was a blur..
not by the alcohol, or any other things you consumed,
but by the look of his stare, and the way he said things
that made you want to lean in and kiss him...
eyes closed.

Current mood: giddy

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


various kinds of smoke filter throughout my lungs
like a screen that is washed out i find myself
holding onto all the wrong rungs.

instead of climbing higher
i get stuck on the bottom two

call it my fear of heights if you want
these days, it's what i prefer to the truth

we all have our own versions of reality
so in a sense we're all sociopaths waiting to come down.

drinking ourselves into oblivion
with our fingers crossed, hoping one day we'll drown.

But you left me there, and didn't even throw me a rope.
I was left grasping bottles and tears,
letting go suddenly of all hope.

i hate it when i sit down and see that you acknowledged me.
it makes it so much more real that we'll never be.

Current mood: melancholy

Saturday, January 1, 2005


I wish I could feel the warmth beneath my skin.
Shiver subsided by the taint of passionate sin.

Current mood: exhausted

Monday, December 27, 2004

2:06AM - wishing well

everytime i find the button that says ignore it ends up walking straight through the door. compassion is yet overrated, into misdemeanors that seem compensated. a weakness that equals tremors and nothing is what it seems, just what it must be. but the reality is that "we" are nothing but two bodies that intervene. commonly misrepresented as those that are what they seem. dreaming is the waking that i find that is mostly what is obliged. it is the state at which i feel most at peace with all the dissapointments that i reach. my wing span must not be so far, as all that's been given to me is scars. scars that are a photograph to be placed into an album that doesn't mean much more than my heart. because the scapegoat gets overlooked for all the blame that's placed upon anothers wishing well that was nothing more. pennies tossed do nothing more than make a sweet sound to the ear that's listening too closely.

Current mood: done

Wednesday, December 22, 2004


I didn't get the field rep position. i'm sad, and i'm sick.

Current mood: sick

Thursday, December 9, 2004


A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a musical artist, song, or album:

(B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me
three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

(C) Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything.

Current mood: restless

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